trying not to see him first

There are good days and there are bad days. Today, well, it's a combination of both. If I don't see him, I'll miss him. But if I see him, he might not realize what he's losing. Can you imagine how frustrating this is? Very! However, I've been praying a lot these past few days. My crying isn't as bad as it used to be. I've been getting a good night's sleep. It's just when I think about what will happen with the two of us that I get frustrated. I do know that I should TRUST God because He knows what is right. I wonder if my decision not to see him first is God's will. I really want to be there for him. I want to help him out any way I can. But I have to think of myself, too. What will make me happy? Moreover, what will make me happy and will give me peace? My whole family and most of my friends don't know that I'm still seeing him...how can I have peace with that? Just a while ago, when I had the urge to call him up, I was singing out loud...trying to drown the thought. Did it drown? No, siree...it was able to come up and swim to shore...I called him up. I told him not to think of me today...do you know 'pink chicken'? We laughed about that. Talking to him still is (in his own words) as natural as breathing. And you know, I really love hugging this guy...but I can't. Not now and I don't know if not ever. We're bestfriends which is why this whole thing is so difficult. AAAARGH!