High-tech Miscommunication

I remember when I first had a beeper, my mom would send me a message like this: Please buy bananas and bread. Please call. So, after receiving this message while driving, I look around for a payphone to call my mom. When finally I was able to call her, I asked why she wanted me to call. This is, more or less, what she tells me: Minnie, bili ka ng saging at tinapay. (This is the exact Filipino translation of what she sent to my beeper)

Gadgets for communication are supposed to make connections easier and faster. When my dear friend and I decided to get cellphones years back we were ready with the responsibilities that comes with it. Or so we thought. What responsibilities, you may ask. Well, there's a higher risk that you will be contacted by anyone who knows your number. Even the ones that you wouldn't want to contact you for some reason or another. Any text message you sent to anyone regarding place and time to meet will be held against you. It is a contract of some sort that you are obliged to keep lest you want to hear: Then, why did you text me that we'll meet at blah-blah-blah at blah-blah p.m.

We have had our share of disappointments with our cellphones and the networks that we use. Sadly, though, at the onset these disappointments were with each other. I admit that, I would blame my dear friend. Imagine, blaming him for problems with these gadgets. Like the time I told him to give me a missed call when he has passed the toll gate which would signal me to go to our meeting place but he didn't so I arrived late at our meeting place. Later on I found out that I was, apparently, in a place where there is no network coverage. So, how could he contact me? Or the time that he received my text message much later than the time I sent it. These happen when it is important that he received these messages. I admit, I blame him for things that are beyond our control. And for that, I am really sorry.

We were able to survive without these gadgets. But now that we have it, we should appreciate it usefulness and at the same time accept it's shortcomings.

I understand now why my mom would send me a message on my beeper, ask me to call her and would tell me the exact same message she sent to my beeper. Nothing beats hearing the other person's voice acknowledging that he/she understands what you're trying to say. To my dear friend, expect a call anytime now.

I miss tep*

the squeaky doors
the water leak at the trunk
the ant community
one windshield wiper working
the oil drippings
turning off the aircon while going up a steep road
spots of rust
tintless windows
using cellphone light to see the kilometer read
computing the kilometers per liter
jump starting at the start of the day

These may not sound like things that you would miss about a car but driving TEP for close to 10 years, I have grown to love her character as such.

I felt the lost more when I was driving my new car (that has yet to be named). TEP has given me a lot of good memories. She has brought me and my nieces (and for one school year, my nephew) to school. Her airconditioning is commendable which is, I think, the only thing my mom likes about her. I have had great conversations with my dear friend which she witnessed. I guess having a broken radio contributed to that.

I think there was one time that she might have felt that I didn't care about her. It was the month of November several years ago when my dear friend and I brought her to Starbucks, Libis. My dear friend and I had coffee. As she brought us home, I realized that she was not TEP. She or he (I wouldn't know what gender the owner has assigned to her/him) looked exactly like TEP. My dear friend and I rushed back to Starbucks with this TEP-looking car. It was a funny incident that I guess none of you (readers) have ever experienced or will ever experience.

Maybe TEP felt bad that I didn't realize sooner that it wasn't her that we were with. Right now, I want her to know that even if she is now owned by a friend of mine, I will always consider her as 'my car'. Who knows, she may still be considering me as 'my owner.'

*TEP 856 White 1992 Toyota Corolla

inconsistently organized

I arrange my clothes according to color. I eat my dessert after my meal...never during. I'm very particular with color combination, whether it's the clothes I wear or the things I have. I want to be accurate with reports that I make specially the ones that involve numbers. I need to follow procedures and it affects me if there's none. Christmas gifts to people is something I plan well.

Now here is more about me: All my bags have some piece of paper or a few pesos inside them. My office filing cabinet has files but they're not filed properly. When I get home I take off my shoes wherever in my room and it is usually not the right place to take them off. My car is like my second room and I haven't invited any of my friends inside my bedroom for almost a year.

Of course, I tried to improve myself. I am not in denial. I have tried the 5S but I think I stopped with the 2nd S. It was too Zen for me. Don't think that my family hasn't intervened. Ever since I was young, I have been threatened to be disowned by my mom and siblings if I don't fix-up. Now that I'm much older, I think some of my nephews and nieces have a different concept of a single tita. They might be thinking that if you're single it's normal that you have a messy room.

I dream of looking forward to a filing cabinet used properly. I dream that I can excitingly invite my friends for a sleep over.

Speaking of sleepovers, Brix, one of my nephews had difficulty sleeping one night. He said he was scared. Both his siblings were asleep already. It is not easy to get a hug or kiss from Brix. And he's so huggable and kissable. So when he was hugging me tight that night, you can imagine my thrill. I asked him if he wants to sleep with me in my room. I was thinking that he would say no because, again, Brix doesn't like to be hugged or kissed too much. Lo and behold he gave a resounding yes. I said to myself, "Why didn't I clean my room this weekend?!" In the end, Brix finally fell asleep beside his siblings and I lay in my bed imagining how fun it would have been hugging Brix all night if he slept with me in my room. What's troubling is the next day, Brix denied that he ever said that he wanted to sleep in my room.

I am inconsistently organized. Don't you think that's better than being consistently disorganized? I think so. But my incentive now is Brix. One of these days I'll clean my room real well. Then I'll let Brix watch a scary movie. I'll have his siblings sleep ahead of him. And the rest is history.

date with J

Everytime I see him...
...my eyes would light up.
...I would say "Wow!", "YES!", "My God!". After that I'm lost for words.
...my smile would be from ear to ear.
...I would take a second, third, fourth glance or until he's already out of sight.
...I stare at him and I don't care if he's with someone.
...he's quiet but he needs not speak.
...my day turns out to be a great day.

Tonight, I'll be spending more time with him. I might even get to have a picture with him. I am very sure I will remember tonight.

This is a good way to end a busy day, being with J. As my dear friend would say "in every cloud, there's an olive green Jaguar".

mundane Monday

1. Woke up
2. Took a bath
3. Read "Streams in the Desert"
4. Had breakfast
5. Drove to school
6. Did my job
7. Did other things not related to my job
8. Checked my email
9. Talked to people
10. Writing this

Mundane means ordinary. Was it an ordinary day? If you look at my list, it is an ordinary day for me. However, my thoughts for today are not ordinary. Thinking of a lot of things right now.

As the Mamas and the Papas would say,
"Monday Monday, so good to me,
Monday Monday, it was all I hoped it would be
Oh Monday morning, Monday morning couldn't guarantee
That Monday evening you would still be here with me."

blaming it all on PMS

For ladies out there, when you're too sensitive and too emotional and too cranky and too demanding, do you think it's justified for you to feel that way? I mean, did the world and person/persons really treat you unfairly? Or is it just that time of the month?

PMS can really make you act weirdly (to put it mildly) and we should accept that. You say things and do things that you later on realize are such boo-boos.

There were so many times that I've experienced that. It's a good thing that the recipient of these tornadoes, volcanic eruptions and earthquakes (most of the time it is my dear friend) is such an understanding person. Lucky me, he's a guy.

I would want to elaborate on this topic however, I feel another eruption coming and I'm not really sure you would understand me.

To have and to hold

(written last night at around 9:48 p.m.)

Earlier this evening, I accompanied my mom and my aunt to the wake of a distant relative. The lady who died was 89 years old. She left behind 11 children and children-in-law, about 10 grandchildren and her 91 year old husband. There is no greater sadness than the sadness on the face of a man who has lost his love of 64 years. As I look at this man as he stares at the coffin of his wife, I wonder what he is reflecting on.

At first I thought he might be thinking, “Was it all worth it? Committing to this person and saying ‘til death do us apart’?” It is also possible that he is trying to recall all the good and bad times they’ve shared with each other and how it all made them a stronger pair. And just maybe he is also looking forward to joining her.

It does take great love for one to risk having this vulnerable moment in one's life. To loose the person you truly love and sit quietly in her wake and have that sadness on your face.

I admire these people. I don’t know if I would be as composed as they are. These are actually moments that I reflect on what I can give and what I can risk for the person I love. It makes me sometimes feel selfish because I do not want to feel that sadness, not as tremendous as that. Also, I do not want him to feel that sadness, too, if ever I go ahead of him. This is why I feel some kind of relief when I hear couples who pass away together. I know it may sound grotesque but don’t we all, at some point in our lives, wished that we leave this world with our true love.

I cannot say that I am really ready to have this kind of commitment. Marriage. I know that it may seem that I’ve been wanting to get married, but honestly my fear of what goes with marriage is real. Can I bear losing him anytime after we take that commitment? One might say that the reason for having this fear is because I haven’t felt great love. Maybe it’s true. I don’t know.

But I do look forward to that day when I say, ‘til death do us apart’, and not be afraid anymore. And during his wake (hopefully, after many years of being married) a visitor would see in the sadness on my face that I have lost my greatest love.

Finding a square peg for a square hole

(written last night at around 11:00 p.m.)

Are we meant for just one person in this world? Is there such a thing as a soul mate? Or is it just that some people get along with a few people, while the rest of us are just sociable people? I’m saying this because I think the sociable people have greater chance of having a lot of soul mates. That’s just my opinion.

I’ve had relationships in the past which I felt where ‘it.’ You know, the ‘it’ that people in-love talk about. But apparently all the ‘its’ wherein ‘it’. They were more of ‘it-for-now’. No regrets, though, because I am proud to say that in all those 5 relationships (Yup, you’ve read right, I’ve had 5), I was myself. My true self. I didn’t pretend to be anyone or anything that I wasn’t. I was able to say what I felt. I was able to put in to action what I want to put in to action. If it means giving my boyfriend a bar of chocolates or massaging him or creating a surprise birthday, I do it. There were was one time though that one of those boyfriends turned down a gift I was giving him because he felt girls aren’t supposed to do that. I was in high school then so I guess, maybe, at that age his reasoning was valid. But that’s how I am, I love passionately. Well, maybe that’s a disadvantage but again I have no regrets. That’s just how I am.

Do you think I change myself every time I have a new boyfriend? Wherein I try to adjust to what he likes and try to pattern it to what I like? I don’t think I did. It just so happens that the guys that I have loved are guys who are like me in certain, different ways. Above having the same things that I like or belonging to the same school, my first four boyfriends and I have had great conversations about different things in life. My last boyfriend, well, we share a whole lot in common. The greatest conversations in my life I’ve had with him. We still share a lot in common and we are still amazed that we never run out of things to talk about. And saying this may sound weird given the fact that we’re not ‘together’ anymore.

I've had five square pegs in my life and my dear friend was the best fit. I am not really sure if I’ll find someone who can remotely come close to my dear friend but if I know myself I’m pretty sure I'll end up with the perfect fit.

Singling out Singles (Specifically the Stronger Sex)

I've been wanting to write this post but have been too busy to actually write it. It took two incidents yesterday to inspire (?) me to finally compose this. The first incident involved the gasps of 40 8-year olds who were amazed (more of surprised) upon learning that I am 37 years old and not married. The second incident was my friend telling me the comments of this could-have-been-38-year-old blind date when he found out how old I am (and how many relationships I have had).

This is me, 37, unattached and obviously, single. It's a bit unfair that our society treats single 30 plus year old females differently from their male counterpart. If a 37 year old guy is single, it's alright. He's probably concentrating with his career. Trying to have enough savings before pursuing Ms. Right. Or if Ms. Right is already with him, his reason can still be that he's saving for their wedding. But it's not the same if you're a 37 year old single woman. Say it's your career? Unacceptable. Why? Because you have this biological clock that's working against you. It's bad enough that you have to carry a heavy weight for 9 months, that you feel tired just to brush your hair in the morning and most of all (I know I haven't experienced this but stories left and right are enough to make me fear it) to have an opening in your body big enough for your baby to come out. Why is it that men don't have these experiences? And the 'biological clock' thing, why can't men be badgered about that? Can somebody come up with a study to say that men who have their first child at age 35 or plus have a greater chance to produce children who won't take care of their dads when their dads get old? That would worry all those guys my age who are still single.

Wait. This is about the Single Women (the Stronger Sex). My wish is that for one minute, no woman who is single anywhere in the world would be questioned about her being single. Just one minute. You just don't know what wonders that would do for us singles. We are unique human beings. We have great ideas that did not come up through collaboration with a significant someone. We have accomplished things that were inspired by people other than a special human (I had to say human because most of mine were inspired by Him). We have other things to do other than answer questions like, why we are single and when will we decide to get married. I would like to say that the last question about when do I decide came from the 8 year olds and I think I handled myself pretty well when I said that "it's not up to me, it's up to Him."

So, women who are like me, don't worry. The clock may be ticking but when the time is right, all the ticking will be worth it.

And to the could-have-been-38-year-old blind date: why are YOU still single?

You're strongest at your weakest moment...so they say

I am one of those people who can say, "been there, done that." Allow me to add this, "Experienced that. Felt that."

Did I grow? Yes, I did and still am. Whenever I read diaries I've written in the past, I smile when it comes to the part that I sound really sad, mad and frustrated. Of course I can only smile now but I could imagine how weak I was then. I bet there were certain moments then that I wanted my life to end. I know we're not immune to thinking of this. Writing this is a proof that that didn't happen (my life ending, I mean). Obviously.

Our weak moments make us stronger. That's what they say. However, most of the time, I feel that this is not happening to me. Or maybe I am just not aware of it. People who learn what I have went through, whether it's with my work life or personal life are amazed on how I have survived my many weak moments. I am in no obligation to write what I've been through but rest assured it's a lot and it's painful in varied degrees.

So, maybe I am strong and I just don't know it. Maybe I'll go through more pain in my life and I'll survive.

To end this post, let me tell you what else I've experienced and felt...I've experienced love and felt happiness. Those things make my life worth living (even having weak moments in between).

the AKAs of a supervisor

Ever since I got appointed to this position, I realized the many responsibilities of a supervisor. And as each day passes by, I come up, at least in my mind, with the AKAs (also known as) of a supervisor.

1. Document sorter. My pigeon hole is always filled with papers from different people in the grade school community concerning different things. I have to go through each one and decide and decipher which to post on our bulletin board, which to distribute to the guidance staff, which ones to accomplish and submit back, which ones to file and so on and so forth.

2. Middleman (in my case, middlewoman. There are concerns that I have to relay from the guidance staff to the admin board and there are concerns I have to relay from the admin board to the guidance staff. It is never easy to be unbiased. And it is a great responsibility to make sure that what I say is verbatim (lest I want either group to get angry).

3. "Meeter" (I want to call it meeter because it sounds weird and every so often I want to write weird words). The meetings I have to attend, oh, how many they are! Yes, I appreciate (very much) the free lunch we get. I look forward to ideas that come about in these meetings. The 'meetings' part of my notebook is almost full and first quarter is not even finished. But I look forward to meetings with the guidance staff because it's a time I hear their concerns (which are important to me because I would like to address them).

4. Approver. There's so much to approve. There are forms, procedures, letters, test results, etc. I have yet to master the art of approving ASAP. I do like doing this because, slowly, we're creating systems in our guidance center. And having systems is always good.

5. Model. There's no other way to say this. We really are models. I have to wear the 'ugly' uniform because I should be a model to the guidance staff that I follow the dress code. (Let it be known that in the almost 10 years of my 'uniform' life, this is the only time that I have the 'ugly' uniform). Ever since I started working here, I am passionate about what I do. I do hope that they can see that and would be passionate as well (a lot of them are).

I'm so sure I can think of more AKAs of a supervisor. Well, I'm still on the 17th day of being one.

the burning bush

Can you imagine how difficult it was for Moses to listen to what God is telling him? Can you imagine how doubly hard it was to follow what He wants him to do? Moses could have refused the task. He could have even told God, "I know someone better qualified to bring your people out of Egypt. This guy swims well (just in case the parted waters come together earlier than planned)." But Moses accepted his fate. I guess with some fear in his heart. With some doubt. Well, if the Mighty Creator believed in you, why doubt.

My burning bush is in the form of my school's principal. I did refuse. I did doubt myself. I did feel fear. Who wouldn't? It is a unanimous vote from the administrative board that I be appointed as guidance supervisor OIC. Unfortunately, it is not a unanimous nomination from the guidance staff. For what reason? I, actually, share their sentiment about this other person being more qualified for the position. And unlike Moses, I expressed that to my principal. However, she told me the reasons why the board decided to put me in that position. Competency and communication skills. But is that enough? How about popularity among the people you're going to lead? I believe that is important, too. Then, I realized that Moses was not actually Mr. Popular during his time. And despite that fact he had the courage to tell the people to follow him. What courage he had! I bet a lot of these people were cursing him, laughing at him and I guess some even were feeling sorry for him. But he persevered and they followed. With God's grace they followed and they found their freedom.

So, as I take this task to lead the guidance center I am reminded of how courageous Moses was. My burning bush may be the principal but I know in the greater scheme of things, it is God who is telling me, 'I beleve in you. Have courage and accept this.'

It is my hope that I lead this team to a wonderful journey. I may not know how to swim but I'm sure, with God's grace, I'll be able to lead them to cross the parted waters (before the parted waters come together).

Look and be relaxed

Balaoan, La Union, Philippines on June 17, 2006

Much ado about birthdays

This post was written at around 11:30 p.m. last night. It is dedicated to all the 30+ year olds out there.

In a few minutes I am about to start the 37th year of my existence. What do you exactly gain a year after you last blew out your birthday candles (if you still do that)?

Experience. You thought you’ve experienced everything. Well, think again, my friend, life gives you something new or some new things. In my case, I experienced a lot of new things the past year.

Resiliency. Yes, you have to cope. Or at least, try to cope. And the past year must have been the year I coped the most. And I’m proud of myself because of that.

Sense of humor. When the going gets tough, find what’s funny about it. It may be hard to do but you know what, for some reason I find myself being most witty when I’m crying. Weird, I know.

Crow’s feet. Mind you, crow’s feet create character on one’s face. It maybe caused by the crying you’ve done or the smiling and laughing you’ve done or the fact that you don’t put moisturizer on your face at night (even if your mom told you to, for so many times) or it may even be caused by a combination of two or all of these things. Whatever the cause may be, I don’t mind having them.

When people I’ve met for the first time ask me how old I am and I tell them my age, most of them are surprised. I don’t look my age, they say. I am flattered by this compliment. Wow! I don’t look my age. Then, I wonder. Why don’t I look my age? Is it because most of the time I hang out with children? Is it because I try (take note, try) to always think positive about life? Is it in my genes? I really don’t know. I also don’t know how long they would say that I don’t look my age. Who knows, one day my face will follow suit with my age. Well, when that day comes, I might as well buy that moisturizer my mom has been recommending.

My insights

I re-applied in Ateneo Grade School last March. One of the requirements is to write my insights on the mission-vision of the Ateneo Grade School. I was able to write the essay below with much help from my dear friend (thank you very much). Unfortunately, this essay was only read by 2 members of the administration because I was not allowed by the school to continue with my application (because the school didn't want to have a precedent). A few of my friends have read this also. I am posting this essay because I want to share these thoughts I have about being "man for others". I am also sharing this because others may have had a similar experience.

My bestfriend once asked me which was better, someone who KNOWS how to build a house or someone who WANTS to build a house? It’s like choosing between one who has the mind and one who has the heart.

I used to teach in the Ateneo Grade School and during my first year of teaching I had the privilege of being the Grade 4 homeroom adviser of Ace Ele. Ace was a smart student, but more than that, I would describe him as a very curious student. He would ask questions that were beyond the lesson.

Ace was also a very well rounded student. As a class officer, Ace made it a point to perform his duties while still being a classmate to his classmates. He was also witty and would never fail to crack a joke in class. He was also a member of the Ateneo Children’s Theater.

During my last year as a teacher in Ateneo, I also had the honor of having Martin Afable in my Grade 4 homeroom class. Martin, like Ace, was a smart boy. He was not an officer, but Martin was the kind of student whom classmates could easily get along with. The year that Martin was my student was also the year that he was diagnosed to have a brain tumor. His head was shaved before he had an operation. Even though he was almost totally blind, Martin wanted to be part of the choral recitation of our class. There he was on stage, sitting on a chair with his classmates. He said his one line with much gusto.

Martin was able to attend the first few months of the Grade 5, but he eventually became too weak to go to school and had to have home schooling. I visited Martin in his house several times. He was bedridden, blind, and sometimes in pain. And yet, I could see his will to live and the strength of his faith. He would tell me jokes and even massage my forehead just to prove he was good at it.
Ace and Martin are just two of my former students in the Ateneo Grade School whom I think are ideal Ateneo products. They do not just have the mind, but they also have the heart. Ace Ele is now in 3rd year college in the Ateneo, and is very active in Gawad Kalinga. Martin Afable passed away in 1999. However, before Martin went into a coma, he was full of life. He was able to paint and sing and interact with as many people as he could.

Having said all these, my insight on the Mission-Vision of Ateneo Grade School is this: Having the mind is equally as important as having the heart. Teaching a student “one plus one equals two” is as important as teaching him that “patience plus understanding equals a good relationship”. Both lessons are equally important. As educators, we may know by heart the subject that we teach, and we may be able to impart this knowledge in ways that students can easily grasp. However, I believe it is important also to teach students values that will help them throughout their lives. By doing so, we will have students who will later on KNOW how to and WANT to build a house.

Of course there are students who would later on not only know how to and want to build a house but also know WHY he wants to build a house. I am lucky to have met one of these students. I recently got reconnected with Ace Ele and found out how he is very into Gawad Kalinga. He finds fulfillment in helping others build their homes. He also goes around the different units of the Ateneo promoting Gawad Kalinga and it’s purpose. He KNOWS how to build a house. He WANTS to build a house. He WANTS to build houses for others too. I am so sure that it is through God’s grace and what he has learned from the Ateneo that makes Ace what he is today: A man who knows what to do and wants to do it, not only for himself, but for others and ultimately ad majorem Dei gloriam.

My will and God's will

There are things in life that I am willing to do. I am willing to drive a friend to his house at 9 p.m. even if his house is an hour and a half away. I am willing to lend money to a friend even if there's a chance that she won't pay me back (but she did). I am willing to listen to people's problems even if I have problems myself. I am willing to cook lunch or dinner even if it will entail a lot of time and effort on my part. I've done all these (and some several times at that) because I will it.

God also has several things He's willing to do. God is willing to wait for you to ask Him for the blessing of the day. He is even willing to wait for a long time. God is willing to forgive you for your sins. Moreover, He's willing to forgive you even if you've committed the same sin over and over again. God is willing to listen to you cry, curse Him and question Him. God is willing to let you make choices in your life. He has done all these (and some several times at that) because He will it.

When a young child dies all of a sudden, did God will it? When you've worked so hard to get a job and still don't get that job, did God will it? When you've had 6 wonderful years with a special someone and it didn't lead to marriage, did God will it?

They say, work hard as if everything depends on you but pray as if everything depends on God. I would like to believe that the mother of the sick, young child was doing everything she can to help her child be cured and she was also praying to Him to heal her child. Two months ago, I was working hard when I was applying for that position and I was going to the Blessed Sacrament praying about that application. For 6 years I've nurtured my relationship with my dear friend in the hopes it will lead to marriage and the two of us prayed a lot about our relationship.

So, what happened? Yes, I know, there's a reason for everything that happens in your life. That even if you will something so much and you pray about it so much, if it's not His will, He won't give it to you. Not because you don't deserve it. Not because you didn't pray enough. There's just a reason why He didn't give it. A reason that may not be revealed to you soon but eventually it will be revealed to you. I would like to believe that there is a reason because I am still trying to understand His will for me.

I just realized that there are things in my life that happened because both God and I willed it. A lot of things. I wanted to become a guidance counselor and worked hard to become one. I believe God wanted me to be a guidance counselor, too. I wanted to have a lot of friends so I made sure that I made a lot of friends. And in my years of existence, God has blessed me with a lot of acquaintances who eventually became my friends.

Two days ago, I found out that my dear friend did something that hurt me so much, emotionally. It was something that was hard to forgive. Of course, my dear friend was apologizing from two days ago up to yesterday. Yesterday afternoon, it was my will and God's will that I forgive my dear friend, and so I did.

For my life to be lived in it's fullness, I should pray everyday that His will will also be my will. And then OUR WILL BECOME.

The immunity challenge

If you watch the reality show Survivor, you would know what an immunity challenge is. For those who don't watch it, let me explain what the show is all about. In Survivor, about 16 individuals are put in a remote place (island, forest, etc.) for about a month. Their objective is to 'outwit, outlast and outplay' the other contestants and be the lone survivor (and win money, of course). Usually, there are 2 challenges per episode. The first one is the reward challenge. Play the game and win the reward which is usually some craving that they have. A shower, a buffet dinner or a chance to see a loved one. The second game is the immunity challenge. At the end of each episode there is a tribal council wherein the contestants will vote who they think should be booted out of the game. In the immunity challenge, the winner will be immuned from being voted in the tribal council meaning for that episode he/she won't be booted out of the island, forest or wherever.

So, what immunity challenge am I losing? Of course by now you know that I used to have my dear friend as my dear boyfriend. When our relationship ended I thought that we'd remain friends and things will be okay. By okay I mean, we would still be looking after each other's welfare. We would still talk about anything under the sun. Anything. We would still see each other and enjoy each other's company. I thought that this was going to be okay. I believed that, unlike other couples who broke up, we would still have a healthy friendship. We are unique because we started off as friends. We're special because we're two good people who would not hurt each other in anyway. We're bestfriends, above everything else. We're immune from being booted out from having a normal relationship after a break up. We worked hard for it and we deserve to win this challenge. But that's not what's happening now. We're struggling. We still have a lot of good times and we still enjoy each other's company. But lately, I get frustrated when I remember how great we used to be. And he gets frustrated that I get frustrated. Okay, we could choose not to see each other. We could choose not to talk to each other. We can even choose to hate each other. But we don't. Well, we did try the first 2 choices and I, admittedly, tried the last choice. But we keep coming back to each other. However, afterwards we don't win the challenge again. And then we win again and then we lose again. It's been a cycle. And the thing that hurts me the most is that I allow myself to get hurt by my dear friend and he allows me to hurt him. Emotionally, that is. And that was never our intention. The last thing we want is to hurt each other, even unconsciously. I know that's hard to do specially when you're very emotional.

I must admit that I haven't accepted the fact that things will never be the same. Even if I try so hard to achieve that I know sooner or later I should surrender and give up. One friend told me that the day I stop caring for my dear friend is the day that I can truly say I'm okay. That's so sad because I don't see myself or I refuse to see myself stop caring for him. There must be another way. There has to be.

So, in the almost 7 months after the break-up we have lost so many times in this immunity challenge. I'm hoping that the immunity challenges would be few and far between. That we would win reward challenges and enjoy our lives. That, through prayer and guidance from God, we would be happy and be at peace. That eventually our friendship will become the lone survivor (of course, no prize money needed here).

Stages after a break-up...so, exactly where am I?

I, actually, don't know. One day, I’m okay and then afterwards I’m not. Sometimes both feelings are in the same day. Breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend can be one of the most difficult things to go through in life. The reason for breaking up may vary but the pain is more or less the same. There might be a third party or both of you are going to different directions or someone in the relationship fell out of love.

I’ve had relationships before but the last relationship I’ve had was with my dear friend. Sadly, our relationship ended November last year. It wasn’t a case of a third party or one of us falling out of love. Our case was, well, I wanted to get married already. And after spending 6 wonderful (much, much more wonderful than not) years with my dear friend, I realized that it was he that I wanted to get married to. Unfortunately, he's not sure if I'm the ONE. I’ve known this for quite some time but we were having a great relationship so I thought in time he would realize how special we were. He does realize how special we are and there were moments that he would tell he felt that maybe I’m the one. However, it wasn’t enough for him to take this to the next level. So, with a very, very heavy heart I decided to end our relationship. Okay, no one fights with my dear friend. He’s not a bad guy. I wouldn’t call him my dear if he’s not worth to be called dear. There’s much about him that you should know for you to understand how he thinks and how he decides on things. It’s different from how most of us do.

The way I would explain what happened to us to family and friends (and to myself) is to say that this is what God has given me and I should learn to accept it. What is the ‘what’ here? Six wonderful years with a wonderful guy who finds me amazing yet he’s not sure if I’m the one. Yes, I know, it’s confusing. Don’t worry, I’m sometimes confused myself. Who am I kidding? I’m confused most of the time. Would it help if I tell you that he is sometimes confused, too? Maybe it won’t but to me it does.

Because my dear friend and I started of as friends, it is difficult to end ‘us’ as friends, too. I know a lot of my other friends frown upon the fact that my dear friend and I are still seeing each other. Seeing him and going out with him has been a bit difficult for me. I worry that people might see us and question me. However, he is not bothered with the possibility that people we know might see us together. I am his first girlfriend so relationships and break-ups are all new to him.

Let’s go back to stages after a break-up. Yes, I went through anger, sadness, denial, etc. But the relationship that we've had (my dear friend and I) is so different. Why do I say it’s different? I’ve had 4 relationships before this and it’s not even remotely comparable to our relationship. That’s not enough? Well, I have a lot of friends and they have attested how unique our relationship is.

So, please allow me to go through the stages after a break-up the best way I know how. Some of my friends mean well by telling me to get angry at him or to tell me he’s not worth it or for me to stop seeing him. And I know they want to protect me. But for me, who has been through 5 break-ups, getting angry or looking down at the other person are not the best ways to get through a break-up. Cold turkey or not seeing him is something I’ve done early on but it lasted for about 5 days and my dear friend did miss me a lot.

Let me just say this, my dear friend has made my life richer and being with a person who makes your life richer is something you’d be so happy to get used to. I may not know exactly what stage I am in but I know (and pray to God) that in the end, in the words of my dear friend, things will get better. Anything better than this, I am so sure, is going to be a great stage ü.

Praying to God and playing the guitar

They say it takes 21 days to develop a habit. Well, so far, I'm on my 6th day in developing a habit... actually, 2 habits.

I pray every night and when I wake up. For a lot of years I've been praying with my dear friend before we sleep and as soon as we wake up. Lately, though, I've been praying on my own every morning. Upon waking up, I read the reading of the day from a book given to me by my good friend...a friend since highschool. She gave it to me a few months back when I was going through the difficulties of a break-up. 'Streams in the Desert' is the title...I guess what the book is all about is self-explanatory. Reading it and saying my personal prayer afterwards has been helping me nowadays. When I was much, much younger, praying to God for me was like having a chat with a very, very dear friend. Somehow, I've lost that in me, but luckily, there are moments (specially in low moments, sadly) that I would find myself being that little girl having a chat with her best pal. Like what I said, sadly, it is at times that I badly needed to talk to Him that I become this little girl. So, now, I'm praying to Him with much hope and not so much anger or frustration in my heart.

I started playing the guitar last February...almost around the time that my good friend gave me the prayer book. I've been wanting to learn how to play the guitar...hoping that I'll one day play 'Balladina'. I guess He really loves me because by some weird coincidence a friend of a friend is a guitar player/teacher. He has a 10 year old deaf daughter who's having difficulty with Math and has been looking for a tutor. I have taught Math and I have tutored before...however, I haven't tutored a deaf student before. It was an x-deal...I'll tutor his daughter in Math and he'll teach me how to play the guitar. I'm having classic guitar lessons so it's not the learning-the-chords type...it's actual notes. My first piece is Moderato...oh, how I enjoyed playing it. Right now, I'm trying to finish learning Bagatelle...another good piece. Playing and practicing the guitar for me is one of the single moments that I feel alone yet very happy that I am. Really peaceful and happy. I stopped practicing for almost a month because of the many things I am doing. And yes, I feel bad about it...wouldn't you be? Stopping myself from being in a peaceful and happy state...I know, I know ü.

Last Tuesday, I began doing these 2 habits...praying to God and playing the guitar...10-15 minutes each every morning ü. I am so sure that one day I'll be able to do these 2 things together...playing the guitar to Him as we talk ü...hopefully, in less than 21 days ü.

To blog or not to blog

The first ever blog I read was my nephew's...that was about 2 or 3 years ago. At that time I wasn't really drawn to making my own blog. What was the need for it? Why can't I just write my thoughts in a diary? Why let all the world find out what you feel about this, what you think of this person or what your opinion is of whatever?

Then, I happened to see the blogs of my dear friend's 2 best buddies. I was amazed how well they write. One of them didn't hold back on his feelings...about his work and about his life...you would know that he is a passionate person in the way he writes. The other one hasn't lost the child in him...which is great because he is able to raise his son well (having the child in him). So, in my blog-surfing (I think that's what you call it), I came across this blog of this guy (sorry, I forgot who you are). His entry for that day was about his recent break-up with his girlfriend (of a few years, if I remember right). I got to relate to his post because I just went through a break-up myself (well, a few months ago).

In this blog-surfing, I realized that a blog (at least for me) has several good functions: (1) it is a way of making other people feel that they are not alone in whatever situation they are in (2) like a diary, you can always go back and see what you felt and thought at that time in your life (good or bad) (3)to entertain, in any way, blog-surfers (including friends).

So, last March I created this blog. My initial reason was function #2. I haven't written a diary for quite some time. I, actually, regret that I wasn't able to write down several wonderful thoughts, feelings and events I have had ever since I stopped having a diary. I was thinking of a nice name for my blog. I didn't want to sound cheesy or intellectual...I wanted something in between and I guess topofmyheadandtipofmytongue and tryingtobeERMA is okay...what do you think? This blog started of as a daily thing but eventually I just write when there is an urge to write down something worth writing about. I still go blog-surfing and realized that there are so many blogs out there. Some worth reading and some, well... I don't like blogs that make you feel that the person is not being true to herself/himself. Blogs that seem to try to be the best blog in the world...do you know what I mean? Well, who am I to judge them? It's their blog so why bother be bothered ü. There are also blogs that are very sexual (and there are a lot)...one blog had 100,000++ visitors...wow! And I only have 16 people who viewed my profile (at least 2 of that is me and 2 is my dear friend ü). Of course, it makes you wonder if what's written in this girl's entries really happened. Well, if her entries entertain, who cares, right?

I'm happy about my blog because I get to edit my template and change the font...I get all excited doing that. Of course, it took a while before I finally wrote my name...minnie. And my picture is still the same. Don't I want to be known? To the 16 people (minus 4 ü) who have viewed my profile. Not really. My dear friend is the only one who knows my blog name. I have several friends who know that I have a blog but I haven't told them my blog name...eventually I will. I am also happy that I am able to improve my writing...I think. Although, I still have a lot of ellipses (...). But my dear friend has been telling me that some of my entries (specially "risk aversion or the art of playing safe")were well-written. I have learned how to do the write-post-view & ask my dear friend's opinion-edit-post-view thing ü.

My dear friend once told me that his hesitation in creating a blog is the possibility of writing a good entry and somebody else 'stealing' your entry and naming it his/her own. What if it's really a good essay worth publishing? Well, I know what I have written and if someone 'steals' it, of course, I'll be flattered. But I still believe people are good and chances of 'stealing' from my entries is slim ü. My dear friend writes well so that's a different case ü.

So, let's see, how did I fare in the 3 functions of a blog:
(1) to make people feel that they are not alone - can't really answer this because I only had one comment other than my dear friend's. Well, my dear friend and I share a lot of common situations, nowadays, so I guess when he reads my entries about us, he can relate ü...we're together most of the time so the 'feeling alone' part is not really true for him ü. I do hope someone out there, after reading any of my entries, would feel that he/she is not alone ü.
(2) to be a diary - yes, it is. Right now, there are so many things happening in the different aspects of my life...what I've written down is just about my work and my sort of lovelife and of course, my dear friend...there's so much to write about...my family life and my spiritual life...and my pending 'independence'. As a diary, I can, in a way, see how I have improved in the way I am handling my life.
(3) to entertain - well, so far, my blog has only one person in the audience...my dear friend (he's a permanent audience ü). He seems to be entertained and I am all too glad he is. Is my blog entertaining only one person? I'll be glad if anyone there can prove otherwise ü.

It made me so happy, I cried

Today, the 30th of April at approximately 3:15 p.m., my dear friend said the sweetest thing anyone in my life (and I have a lot of anyones in my life who love me) has ever said to me...it was on the phone but it made my heart skipped 2 beats...really ü. I said I won't write about what he said on my blog because...well, I have my reasons. Who knows, I might write about it soon ü.

My dear friend is not the type who would throw caution to the wind but I guess it's a windy day today. Thank you very much for making me cry a while ago, my dear friend.

From bestfriend to boyfriend and the road back

It's going to be a long trip...and lonely, too (for now).

Risk aversion or the art of playing safe

I have been wanting to write on this topic ever since my dear friend posted a question to me (which we would do to each other ü)...it had something to do on choosing which contest I would join: (1)there are only 2 tickets and the prize money is P100,000 or (2)there are 10 tickets and the prize money is P1,000,000...I can only buy 1 ticket and I can only join 1 contest. For me, it was simple, I chose the 1st contest. And there he was telling me about risk aversion (he read about it in an article on Freakonomics which I've read also). Of course, we had a long conversation about it which I actually enjoy...specially when he's passionate because I get passionate when he's passionate...in conversations, okay ü

So, what's wrong with playing safe? I wouldn't think of myself as an adventurer although I wish I am. I don't eat lengua, chicken feet and tripe. However, I hated sushi before but now I like it so much. I, also, never thought that I would enjoy eating isaw. I haven't tried bungee jumping and I don't plan to...but who knows? But I've experienced taking rides in amusement parks not really being sure if these rides are scary. After taking these rides, I was okay...a bit shaken but okay. I don't consider myself lucky in raffles or contests although I've won in some...unexpectedly.

In my life, I think I've made choices and decisions that are particularly safe...well, except for 2 decisions I've made...the one I made on September 30, 1999 and the one I made on November 27, 2005...I wouldn't call these decisions safe but I wouldn't call these as risks. I don't know what to call these decisions...let's just save this story for another time.

Let's face it, safe choices and decisions can put you to sleep at night...no worries. However, there are times that you have to go out of your comfort zone and try something new. Seize the day...or at least the moment. Timing is important, though. But sometimes we're not really sure when the right time really is.

I had my hair cut short last Easter Sunday...that was a risk, I tell you. I was holding on to my long, straight hair up to the last minute...as if testing myself if I'll change my mind...but I didn't. About 5 inches length of my hair chopped off...no regrets!

Early this week, we (in my department) had a meeting. Our supervisor called for the meeting because, apparently, people in the department are 'bad mouthing' other people within the department including the supervisor. I could have taken a back seat and kept quiet. Whatever I have against anyone in the group I can always keep to myself or share it with my dear friend. I guess it was grace from God that I suggested that we open up to each other about any grudges that we have. I have always believed that the cause of any misunderstanding is precisely that...misunderstanding. If you become indifferent about it there will never be a chance to clear things out. So, I took the risk, I shared. My feelings. Disappointments. Frustrations. I did, however, shared my hope for the group which I still have now. I felt good about the meeting. However, a day after that there are still talks about how this person works and that person works...so, I guess this is not the end of this story.

My dear friend is off somewhere this morning. This somewhere is not his comfort zone. You see, he's going to change jobs. His work before was a safe place to work...his comfort zone. Right now, I am proud that he's not playing safe in going in this company. The task ahead for him in this job is new not only to him but also for the company. It was after much discernment when he finally chose this new job. He is scared and I am scared also.

So, sometimes, even if the timing is right, risks don't guarantee a smooth sail afterwards. But like I was telling him...THIS IS THE STORM BEFORE THE CALM...let's hope for clear skies soon ü.

A different Lenten week

Ever since, my Lenten season was spent exactly the same way how my family spends it. If they were going to go out on vacation, I would go with them. If they were going to spend it here in Manila, I would spend it here in Manila. That has always been how it was.

This Lenten season, I am going to do something different. I am going to go through the Lenten week in the way I want to go through with it. I am going to stay home while my family will be spending it in the province. I woke up this morning and they have left already. I feel independent (at least for this next few days)...but it's a moment that I feel both excited and scared...weird feeling.

There are 2 things I want to do for the next 3 days...Reflect on Christ's Passion and clean my room (general cleaning). These 2 things I only do once a year...pity. But I have a strong feeling that it's going to be a blessed 3 days. Why? I just have that feeling.

Here's to this blessing.

Remembering not to forget my dear (matalik) friend

My insight last night is this:
Friends make life worth experiencing.
Friendships make experiences worth living.

My dear friend (also known as my weird best friend ü) and I became friends almost 9 years ago. I never thought that this friend can make my life richer…but he did. We became more than friends and still the friend in him was there for me, no matter what.

A few years back, my dear friend and I mistakenly drove off with a car we thought was ours. The experience was so funny (and weird ü) but I feel so lucky to have experienced it with him. This is just one of many experiences we’ve had together…my dear friend and I.

The highlight of our friendship is the conversations we’ve had and continually have…we never run out of things to talk about…talking to each other has always been as natural as breathing.

I wouldn’t exchange this dear friend and the experiences we’ve had together for anything, not even for a Jaguar…and I tell you, I really love Jaguars ü

Minnie, Incorporated

Inspired by (my) weird best friend

Here I am, accepting the fact that I am going to work here for (at least) another year. The only way to make my work worth doing (and enjoying, of course) is to see myself as my own company...I'm everything. I'm the CEO. I'm the janitress. Everything. I like my company because I like the service it gives. Everyone in my company is a listener. That is our main service...to listen. Tell me, who wouldn't want that kind of service? No need for advice. No need for probing. No need for analysis. Just listen. Of course my company needs to do quite a bit of clerical work...actually, a lot of clerical work. But I don't mind because I love my company. I should make good use of my time, my energy and my resources. No unnecessaries like complaining (not the useless ones), gossiping (my aim for this year)...so far these are the only ones I can think of. So, blog, this might be my last entry (during office hours anyway). I'll do my posting when I'm home. My company would want to be ISO 9001 certified...allow me, please ü

Philippines, country I love

When I was young, I used to believe that I'm so lucky that I live where I live. I was about 8 or 9 years old and I would write down as my address the street where I live, the subdivision, the city, Metro Manila, Philippines, Asia, Earth...ain't I weird? But honestly I really felt that I am in the best place any girl can live. Now that I am a bit older (much older, actually ü) what I feel is more of happiness to be in the Philippines. I know a lot of Filipinos are leaving the country for better opportunities abroad. I know those who are still here and would want that chance also, find ways to leave also. I have had debates about this with some members of my family and some of my friends. "If I leave, then who will stay?" That's usually my line in these debates. It's like leaving your house (where a lot of people used to live) and no one's left to take care of it. It may be an old house but I would rather stay and do my best to fix it up and maintain it. These people whom I've had debates with would tell me that the reason why I'm staying is because I have a stable job in the field of education. I actually do but modesty aside I know I can easily qualify to work abroad and make more money in the same field. But I don't want to do that. Why? Well, our country needs good teachers, hardworking doctors, honest lawyers, and so on and so forth. Those who have left us have their reasons for leaving us and I have nothing against them. I just want to stay here and be the best in my work in hopes that my students would grow up to work and do their work well...whether here or abroad...I am still hoping they'll work here, of course.

So, what's so great about the Philippines? You have probably heard it so many times that Filipinos are one of the happiest people in the world. In my trips to Australia, I can always tell if the Asian looking person passing by is a Filipino...it's the smile (then, you would see that he/she is holding a bag of Chippy ü). Filipinos, generally, are also very emotional people...when they're happy expect uncontrollable laughter and when they're sad expect tears. Filipinos are also forgiving. Where can you find a country whose citizens would still elect people in the government who have had cases of corruption? Only in the Philippines. I wouldn't want to go further on this because I am not really a let's-discuss-politics kind of person. I just want to point out that that's how forgiving we are. Most of the Filipinos are shy people. They are not really aggressive. I have noticed this in Filipino consumers. In a fast food restaurant I have seen Filipinos who would not call the attention of the manager if their food is too hot or their burger has no lettuce. I think most of the time they wouldn't want to bother the managers with their concern. Wait, this might not help me convince you how great Filipinos are. Okay, okay...As a whole, Filipinos are warm and accomodating people. They would cook you the best food and give you the best room in the house...I think I've read this somewhere. If you're a foreigner and you're lost anywhere here in the Philippines, don't worry. There's a good chance that the first person you see would know some English and would happily help you out (and if he/she doesn't know how to speak your language, he/she would still try his/her best to help you out). There are so many great places in the Philippines and I think I've only been to only a few of these wonderful places. I still have to go to Sagada, Bohol, Davao, Palawan, Zamboanga and many more. There are so many festivals, fiestas and celebrations in this country and each one is unique on it's own.

I just came back from another Asian country (I don't want to mention the country because I wouldn't want to offend readers from that country). I didn't feel good about how the people there are...they were not warm and accomodating...well, majority of them weren't. I was gone for only 3 days but I missed Filipinos already. I was missing the Philippines, too. I was telling myself...give me hot summer days, the smell of the esteros, the dust of the streets, the fast jeepneys with loud radios, the tsismisan...I want to go home!

The day after I arrived home from that vacation I went somewhere in Marikina. I was about to ride one of those fast jeepneys with my bestfriend when we saw a couple vendor being apprehended by, what seemed to be a police officer dressed in civilian clothes. Apparently, it's illegal to sell on the streets. I felt sad because these people were just trying to make a living selling guavas. But the law is the law. I know, I know...there's so much to improve in our country. If you ask me, I believe people living in poverty should be given priority. I am so sure that we, as a nation, can do something about it...I believe there's a solution for this.

There are so many good things about the Philippines and yes, there are still things to improve on. If you're asking me if I still love living here in the Philippines...you bet I do! Maybe love is blind but there's much to see (and hear and taste and feel) in PILIPINAS ü

trying to be the best friend to my bestfriend

Should I, as a friend be honest to my bestfriend? I guess I should. Does it mean, at no circumstance should I withhold information that pertains to him? What if it's just one aspect of his life? They say it takes courage to be honest...well, I tell you it takes enormous, gigantic courage to be honest to your bestfriend. Last night I was honest to him. Why? Because first and foremost he's my bestfriend. I know if the the situation was the other way around I am so sure he'll have difficulty telling me information that might hurt me. But I think in the end he will tell me the truth and then hug me while telling me. Come to think of it, while being honest with him last night I wasn't hugging him...ooh, that could have made a difference. The way he looked as he was taking 'it' all in was a look that I don't like...really. It was like he was there with me but he wasn't. That I made him feel alone at that moment even if he didn't want to. Right now I feel awkward with him. I am not really sure if it's because of what happened last night or maybe it's because we're drifting a part :-( I really want to be the best friend to him, my bestfriend. Thinking of other ways how...

P.S. It is never my intention to hurt you. Above this one comment that I told you, people still think you're a good guy...you are.

trying to get the hang of it

There are several things I am trying to get the hang of...
- inserting pictures in my blog (with the help of Hello Picasa). At first, I had difficulty with it but thank God for google forums I was able to get answers to my questions...Oh, technology!
- writing shorter posts (shorter than some of my previous posts). My blog is turning out to be a diary. Shorter posts are better.
- getting comments on my posts. Actually, I only got 1...thanks gs.gemini...you just don't know how big my smile was when I saw your comment ü.
- thinking of other titles for my posts other than starting it with 'trying'. The idea seemed great for the first few posts but I know I have to be and can be more creative than this.

On a professional level, I am trying to get the hang of...
- working here in this school. I am slowly giving up on my application in the school that I want to be in.
- doing my work and not be emotional about the year ahead. I should think of myself as a company (that's what he would always say). My goal this coming school year is that I'll be one of the top companies.

On a personal note, I am trying to get the hang of...
- not praying with him. Praying is what we usually do before we go to sleep and soon after we wake up (either through the phone or text). I told him we should pray on our own...this is difficult.
- not seeing him everyday. Yes, I got used to seeing him everyday again.
- not hoping that he and I will get back together. Yes, I started hoping again.

There are things of course that there's no need to try to get the hang of:
- Sunday mass with someone very dear to you
- kisses and hugs from nephews or nieces
- support from your siblings
- laughing with people you love
- friends who truly care about you
- compliments from anyone (specially surprising ones ü)
- hope that God will give you what He really wants for you...in the right time ü

trying to be a Venusian who understands a Martian (written on paper at 12:30 am)

Enlighten me, anyone, are men really like this:
(1) can care about you even if it seems that he doesn't
(2) can be calm even if you're so emotional
(3) can be with his friends and be so in to it that sending you a text message is the last thing on his mind
(4) generally, not an emotional person
(5) tend to forget important stuff like birthdays, what he said and felt about a particular, wonderful moment (how could he? honestly, I don't know)
(6) wouldn't really know how to make a woman completely happy (I guess this one, I tend to be too demanding)
To sleep, I should.
To worry, I shouldn't.
To be a Martian, I can't.
To be happy, I can.
ü

trying to understand what I feel

There are moments in my life (specially lately) that I would say "I don't like what I feel." And what do I feel? I can't really pinpoint exactly what I feel...I don't know if I'm refusing to name the feeling or it's just such a damn confusing moment. It goes from happy to sad to happy to hopeful to shitty to it's-going-to-be-okay. Like, for every second I feel differently. Maybe that's why I don't like what I feel because it's so erratic...I feel I'm schizo. Honestly, sometimes I think I have bipolar...that I can shift from 2 opposing feelings. And what did people with bipolar do? There was one who had an affair with her 12 year old student. And there's one who is, actually, a famous writer. Well, if ever I have bipolar I'll end up like the latter rather than the former...God forbid ü. I can also be so negative. Do you know the show Worst Case Scenarios? I think lately it seems I'm the mascot for Worst Case Scenarios. I suddenly realized now that the worst case scenarios that I think of most of the time are the ones involving me and him. I know, I know, I've been talking about 'him' and haven't really written his name...sorry, haven't thought of how I would call him here in my blog but hopefully, sometime in the future I would write his name...as if anybody else is reading my blog. Well, I know for sure that you ('he') is reading this. Anyway, let's go back to worst case scenarios involving you and me (you know who you are ü)...'me and him' for those, other than you and me, who are reading this (yup, I'm still hoping someone out there is reading my blog and hoping he/she would comment on my posts and would agree, disagree or simply say 'move on, girl' ü). Worst case scenarios about us...that I have plenty of...I'll end up with someone and we can't be friends anymore. We'll end up with other people then we see each other after so many years and then there's this spark and then BOOM! We'll have an affair...nah, we won't let that happen. There's a good chance that the spark thing will happen but we're good people...extra-marital affairs is not in our books (no offense meant for those who are in to extra-marital affairs ü). Hey, I would want to go back to my writing-as-if-hundreds-of-people-are-reading-my-posts mode...so you ('he') have to read this like the hundred others (or is it thousand ü) who are reading this ü. And so I think of worst case scenarios and then what I usually do is I go back to reading text messages he sent to me...the ones that make me feel good, of course. Anything that can make me feel better and look forward to the next whatever. His last message that made me feel that way...wait, I think I have to explain what feeling I had for him to respond this way...to make the short story shorter, I was missing the way he and I worked as a team and it was making me sad (could have done it shorter but only he and I would understand it ü). Anyway, his reply goes this way 'I understand what you're trying to say, _ _ _ _. But as far as I'm concerned, we never stopped collaborating since November (for those who are interested to know [and I am so sure there's a lot ü], November is the month he and I broke up). And given how we love and care for each other, I don't see it ending in the future. There might be delays and pauses, but our collaboration will continue ü.' Okay, you guys tell me, doesn't that make you turn schizo. Well, if you don't understand what I'm going through I guess you have to know me...and him for you to get it. At this very moment I feel this 'I don't like what I feel' feeling because he and I spent a good morning together (good, meaning no intimacy involved...yes, we're still virgins...can I just save that story some other time? ü). And again (never fails), I'm scared that he and I might not see each other for I don't know how long. Do I really have to understand what I feel? The choice is mine, I know. Okay, Ms. Schizo choose not to understand...yeah, right ü

trying to get hold of myself

When I am emotional, I am really emotional. He would say that sometimes being emotional is a good thing...I guess last night wasn't one of the 'sometimes'. And of course, regret comes after...last night, it came about an hour after. So, what did actually happen? What triggered my bad 'emotional' moment? I was crying in the car because of my realizations...the never ending realizations which are actually the same realizations I've had since we broke up. There he was trying his best to console me. Then, I demanded that he be 'inside the box' and I was thinking to myself, 'how hard is that?' He's part of all these realizations, he should not be outside the box. Even if he tried so many times, he was no near the top cover of the box. Maybe I refuse to accept the men-are-from-mars-women-are-from-venus thingee...not for him, at least. I would like to think that he's not one of those guys but I guess he is no exception. I, actually, don't know how he can put up with me...I am really emotional...and that moment I was really, really emotional. When the regret came an hour after, I realized that I said some things again (about me, about him and about us) that were 99.99% baseless and inaccurate...negative things...I was all but glad that he knows that I didn't mean it...again, I was really emotional. Remember, what I wrote in a previous post about 'giving tests'...was I giving one last night? How mean is that? I wasn't really consciously giving a test but it might come out that way. I would always say that I would want to be okay, I want to be cool...whatever difficult situation I am in. I do envy those people who are going through rough times and you could see that they are still okay and they are still cool...I want to be like that. But are they really cool and okay or just pretending that they are? So, which is better, letting all these emotions out and wanting to be cool and okay or keeping it inside and pretending you're cool and okay? I know what my choice would be...letting it all out and regreting it after ü...I've been doing that and have gotten used to it. Here's to TRYING to getting hold of myself...though it's a difficult task, I can always try, right? Again and again...

trying to make sense in it all

At first it was a go then it's a no...what?! I sometimes question things that happen in my life...don't you? Well, I question only the bad things that happen to me. What's happening to me now...is it that bad? Actually, no, it isn't. I am just frustrated that I almost have it in my hands and I'm so sure I'm holding it properly then somebody from behind takes it away from mw. I know I still have my work here. I, actually, started to think of ways to make my work here more enjoyable and fulfilling. Well, my counselees make my work enjoyable and fulfilling...that should be enough, right? I guess. People have been telling me that maybe it there are things that (or people who) aren't meant for you. It has been said to so many people about so many situations. Why then were we given that opportunity to enjoy it? A great love, a great friendship, a great job, a great possibility to go back to that job...is it for us to learn, for us to experience...and then what? I am not really as spiritual as I would hope to be. I do try to understand it from the view of God's child. That things happen and that it happens for a good reason. And then I would always say 'it better be a damn good reason!' So now, as I wait (again) for the final decision of the school where I want to work, I work here. Maybe to keep me sane I just try not to make sense in it all...maybe for the moment.

trying to be okay

Nope, this isn't about my love life...do I wish it was about that instead of what this is really all about? Not really. This is about my career. My vocation, as I would talk about it. I've been working for years...around 16 years. And for the first time, at age 36, I finally got permanency. What I am happy about it is that I got it while doing what I really want...being a guidance counselor. Am I in the school where I want to fulfill this vocation? That's another story. I guess no hints or clues are needed here...I want to be somewhere else. I believe God answered my prayer when I was given a chance to re-apply in a school where I was working years ago. I asked first if it's possible to re-apply and someone from the Admin asked the A-team and got back to me...he said it's possible. It was one of the single moments in my life wherein I felt so happy...so happy it made me cry. But now, someone else there said I couldn't go through the application process...how sad is that? And I learned about it on the day that I was feeling so sad about being here in this school. It was the first day of the students' summer vacation. I realized what kept me staying here...it's my counselees. Being in school that day is like having 'suman' without the mangoes or sugar...it's bland and to eat it without mangoes or sugar is lifeless (do you understand what I mean?). I love suman only if I eat it with mangoes or sugar...I guess now you understand what I mean. The day before that I felt bad also because a colleague of mine had a comment about the way I work and she said her comment to my good friend. I am aware of how I work and I can proudly say that I work well. I do my job well. For someone to question my vocation is painful. I know this is just one person but it still hurts. Here I am now, trying to be okay. I can keep myself busy in my work (and there's plenty) but I just need to pour this out. At the start of a counseling session, the counselee would be asked "how do you feel today?" and so the counseling begins or what I would say as the journey. And that's what I did here...without anyone asking me how I feel today, I am writing it all down. I feel bad. I am scared. I feel alone. I feel anxious. Somewhere during the counseling session, the counselor would say things (not necessarily questions) that would make the counselee say more about what's going on with her. It is always the hope of the counselor that the counselee would be able to realize things as she talks and talks. As a counselor, you'll be too glad if the realization comes in the first session. I can hurry myself right now and realize things...that I am okay and that I work well. And if my application in the school where I want to work will not have positive results I can still say that I am okay and I work well. Writing that down...does it help? Do you know that feeling that you're trying to block off that part of your brain that doesn't feel okay because you're thinking doing that might help you feel okay? Well, that's what I am doing now...boohoo. At the end of any counseling session, whether there was any realization or not, the counselee would be asked "so, how do you feel now?" Keeping her fingers crossed, the counselor hopes that the counselee would feel better than how she felt at the start of the session. If it means an insy-winsy better, that's good enough. So, how do I feel right now...trying to be okay ü.

P.S. 'Okay' is a vague answer. Counselors would ask 'okay, meaning?' Well, I am telling you now that my answer is too long to be written down. It's a good thing that this is not a counseling session and I can simply end this. Don't worry, my journey is countinuing inside me...wish me well, okay? ü

trying not to see him first

There are good days and there are bad days. Today, well, it's a combination of both. If I don't see him, I'll miss him. But if I see him, he might not realize what he's losing. Can you imagine how frustrating this is? Very! However, I've been praying a lot these past few days. My crying isn't as bad as it used to be. I've been getting a good night's sleep. It's just when I think about what will happen with the two of us that I get frustrated. I do know that I should TRUST God because He knows what is right. I wonder if my decision not to see him first is God's will. I really want to be there for him. I want to help him out any way I can. But I have to think of myself, too. What will make me happy? Moreover, what will make me happy and will give me peace? My whole family and most of my friends don't know that I'm still seeing him...how can I have peace with that? Just a while ago, when I had the urge to call him up, I was singing out loud...trying to drown the thought. Did it drown? No, siree...it was able to come up and swim to shore...I called him up. I told him not to think of me today...do you know 'pink chicken'? We laughed about that. Talking to him still is (in his own words) as natural as breathing. And you know, I really love hugging this guy...but I can't. Not now and I don't know if not ever. We're bestfriends which is why this whole thing is so difficult. AAAARGH!

trying to keep something to myself

Just when I thought I can keep something myself...then, I told him about my blog! Why did I tell him? I don't know. I guess I was hoping he'll be proud of me and then he'll be curious enough to search for my blog. He is proud of me. He did say that he tried to search for my blog. But after having the two things I was hoping for, it seems not worth it...not keeping it to myself. Sometimes we (well, I am hoping I am not alone in this) do or say things to see the reaction of the other person. Most often we have this expected reaction. When we don't get that reaction we get frustrated. He would call it 'tests'. I guess they are. I'm getting so good in giving these tests...so you won't see me writing about "trying to give 'tests'". There's a better chance that I'll be writing about "trying not to give 'tests'". Let's go back to my topic...keeping something to myself. My topic is so apt because it's the lenten season. The time that you fast...Ash Wednesday and Good Friday. Jesus said something about fasting but not telling anyone about it...Moreover, to present yourself as if you're not fasting. Sometimes I wonder why we shouldn't tell anyone. Having a pleasant disposition despite the fasting, I understand. But what if you just want to share with someone that you're fasting. Not to brag about it or to get sympathy but you just simply want to share with someone that you're doing this. I know you may be thinking that I might be doing a 'test'. Honestly, I am not. I shared this with him because I want him to know. Alright, I did fast last Ash Wednesday for three people...one of them is him. Why? He's going through a period in his life that he is not sure if he is where he should be. Why did I tell him that I fasted for him? Because I want him to know he's not alone...I am here and God is here for him.

I am not really good in keeping secrets...but I have improved, mind you. I have a few secrets that have been with me for a couple of years. One of my friends once said that I am suffering from 'verbal diarrhea'. I was laughing so hard the first time I heard that description of me...but I think that is true. Again, at least I am honest. There was a time (more of times) in my life when I would tell this particular person that I love him. Who cares what he would say? (Well, I do ü) But I have always believed that life is too short to keep things to yourself...specially, actions or words that would make someone happy and would make this world a better place to live in.

trying to write a good one

I am not really a writer. I believe I have good thoughts and ideas but the skill to really put it together...I am weak at that. I am so used to using ellipsis (...) because honestly, I have that fear that my sentence is not correctly constructed. Ellipsis helps me put my thoughts together. Then, I have difficulty in grammar...have, had or has? I'm so weak at that. At least, I am honest. I have been lucky to have a bestfriend who helps me out with this. This guy is so good in writing. He is so good that sometimes he has a way of bringing out the writer in you. He has done this with me several times and I am so thankful about that, too. I am not really sure if he is convinced that he is a good writer. His friends have said it. I have said it also. Even his mom believes in his gift. It is just sad that he doesn't have time to really sit down and write down a good one. He always keeps a small notebook inside his back pocket. Every once in a while he would write his insights and jokes he would suddenly think of. If only I have 1/4 of this guy's talent, I think I'll be so happy. I wish he can find his happiness soon...writing again.

So, here I am, without his knowledge, writing on my own. The best writers, they say, are those who read a lot. Ooops! Am not really a reader, too. Last book I finished was "Da Vinci Code" and before that "The World According to Garp" and that was years ago. Well, writers that I admire are those who draw their stories from their personal experiences. Three of my favorites are Robert Fulghum, Bill Cosby and (obviously, top on my list) Erma Bombeck. These guys can really make me laugh. You really feel what they are saying because somehow, at one point in your life, you have experienced what they are talking about or at least something similar to it. Do you think these writers were avid readers? Well, I guess they are/were (am not sure if Fulghum is still alive...Cosby still is). So, what I have going for myself (to write a good one) is the fact that I have many experiences that I can write about...and I tell you I have plenty of experiences. Love, anger, betrayal, loneliness, happiness, joy, frustration, and so on and so forth. Right now, I am not sure what topic I should write about. There goes "trying to write a good one"...

trying it the first time

My own blog...this is a first for me. I'm not sure if anyone will read this. I'm not sure if I'll do this for a long time. I just want to try to post something...am not sure if I can delete this after posting it...let's see.