trying to understand what I feel

There are moments in my life (specially lately) that I would say "I don't like what I feel." And what do I feel? I can't really pinpoint exactly what I feel...I don't know if I'm refusing to name the feeling or it's just such a damn confusing moment. It goes from happy to sad to happy to hopeful to shitty to it's-going-to-be-okay. Like, for every second I feel differently. Maybe that's why I don't like what I feel because it's so erratic...I feel I'm schizo. Honestly, sometimes I think I have bipolar...that I can shift from 2 opposing feelings. And what did people with bipolar do? There was one who had an affair with her 12 year old student. And there's one who is, actually, a famous writer. Well, if ever I have bipolar I'll end up like the latter rather than the former...God forbid ü. I can also be so negative. Do you know the show Worst Case Scenarios? I think lately it seems I'm the mascot for Worst Case Scenarios. I suddenly realized now that the worst case scenarios that I think of most of the time are the ones involving me and him. I know, I know, I've been talking about 'him' and haven't really written his name...sorry, haven't thought of how I would call him here in my blog but hopefully, sometime in the future I would write his name...as if anybody else is reading my blog. Well, I know for sure that you ('he') is reading this. Anyway, let's go back to worst case scenarios involving you and me (you know who you are ü)...'me and him' for those, other than you and me, who are reading this (yup, I'm still hoping someone out there is reading my blog and hoping he/she would comment on my posts and would agree, disagree or simply say 'move on, girl' ü). Worst case scenarios about us...that I have plenty of...I'll end up with someone and we can't be friends anymore. We'll end up with other people then we see each other after so many years and then there's this spark and then BOOM! We'll have an affair...nah, we won't let that happen. There's a good chance that the spark thing will happen but we're good people...extra-marital affairs is not in our books (no offense meant for those who are in to extra-marital affairs ü). Hey, I would want to go back to my writing-as-if-hundreds-of-people-are-reading-my-posts mode...so you ('he') have to read this like the hundred others (or is it thousand ü) who are reading this ü. And so I think of worst case scenarios and then what I usually do is I go back to reading text messages he sent to me...the ones that make me feel good, of course. Anything that can make me feel better and look forward to the next whatever. His last message that made me feel that way...wait, I think I have to explain what feeling I had for him to respond this way...to make the short story shorter, I was missing the way he and I worked as a team and it was making me sad (could have done it shorter but only he and I would understand it ü). Anyway, his reply goes this way 'I understand what you're trying to say, _ _ _ _. But as far as I'm concerned, we never stopped collaborating since November (for those who are interested to know [and I am so sure there's a lot ü], November is the month he and I broke up). And given how we love and care for each other, I don't see it ending in the future. There might be delays and pauses, but our collaboration will continue ü.' Okay, you guys tell me, doesn't that make you turn schizo. Well, if you don't understand what I'm going through I guess you have to know me...and him for you to get it. At this very moment I feel this 'I don't like what I feel' feeling because he and I spent a good morning together (good, meaning no intimacy involved...yes, we're still virgins...can I just save that story some other time? ü). And again (never fails), I'm scared that he and I might not see each other for I don't know how long. Do I really have to understand what I feel? The choice is mine, I know. Okay, Ms. Schizo choose not to understand...yeah, right ü