trying to be okay

Nope, this isn't about my love life...do I wish it was about that instead of what this is really all about? Not really. This is about my career. My vocation, as I would talk about it. I've been working for years...around 16 years. And for the first time, at age 36, I finally got permanency. What I am happy about it is that I got it while doing what I really want...being a guidance counselor. Am I in the school where I want to fulfill this vocation? That's another story. I guess no hints or clues are needed here...I want to be somewhere else. I believe God answered my prayer when I was given a chance to re-apply in a school where I was working years ago. I asked first if it's possible to re-apply and someone from the Admin asked the A-team and got back to me...he said it's possible. It was one of the single moments in my life wherein I felt so happy...so happy it made me cry. But now, someone else there said I couldn't go through the application process...how sad is that? And I learned about it on the day that I was feeling so sad about being here in this school. It was the first day of the students' summer vacation. I realized what kept me staying here...it's my counselees. Being in school that day is like having 'suman' without the mangoes or sugar...it's bland and to eat it without mangoes or sugar is lifeless (do you understand what I mean?). I love suman only if I eat it with mangoes or sugar...I guess now you understand what I mean. The day before that I felt bad also because a colleague of mine had a comment about the way I work and she said her comment to my good friend. I am aware of how I work and I can proudly say that I work well. I do my job well. For someone to question my vocation is painful. I know this is just one person but it still hurts. Here I am now, trying to be okay. I can keep myself busy in my work (and there's plenty) but I just need to pour this out. At the start of a counseling session, the counselee would be asked "how do you feel today?" and so the counseling begins or what I would say as the journey. And that's what I did here...without anyone asking me how I feel today, I am writing it all down. I feel bad. I am scared. I feel alone. I feel anxious. Somewhere during the counseling session, the counselor would say things (not necessarily questions) that would make the counselee say more about what's going on with her. It is always the hope of the counselor that the counselee would be able to realize things as she talks and talks. As a counselor, you'll be too glad if the realization comes in the first session. I can hurry myself right now and realize things...that I am okay and that I work well. And if my application in the school where I want to work will not have positive results I can still say that I am okay and I work well. Writing that down...does it help? Do you know that feeling that you're trying to block off that part of your brain that doesn't feel okay because you're thinking doing that might help you feel okay? Well, that's what I am doing now...boohoo. At the end of any counseling session, whether there was any realization or not, the counselee would be asked "so, how do you feel now?" Keeping her fingers crossed, the counselor hopes that the counselee would feel better than how she felt at the start of the session. If it means an insy-winsy better, that's good enough. So, how do I feel right now...trying to be okay ü.

P.S. 'Okay' is a vague answer. Counselors would ask 'okay, meaning?' Well, I am telling you now that my answer is too long to be written down. It's a good thing that this is not a counseling session and I can simply end this. Don't worry, my journey is countinuing inside me...wish me well, okay? ü